Things I Shouldn't Think Read online

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  CONTENTS

  Acknowledgments

  Part 1: The Line

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Part 2: Lines and Circles

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Part 3: The Other Side

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Chapter 43

  Chapter 44

  Chapter 45

  Chapter 46

  Chapter 47

  Chapter 48

  Chapter 49

  Chapter 50

  Chapter 51

  Chapter 52

  Chapter 53

  Chapter 54

  Chapter 55

  Chapter 56

  Chapter 57

  Chapter 58

  Part 4: The Woods

  Chapter 59

  Chapter 60

  Chapter 61

  Chapter 62

  Chapter 63

  Chapter 64

  Chapter 65

  Chapter 66

  Chapter 67

  Chapter 68

  Chapter 69

  Chapter 70

  Chapter 71

  Chapter 72

  Chapter 73

  Chapter 74

  Chapter 75

  Chapter 76

  Chapter 77

  Chapter 78

  Chapter 79

  Chapter 80

  Chapter 81

  Chapter 82

  Chapter 83

  Chapter 84

  Chapter 85

  Chapter 86

  Chapter 87

  Chapter 88

  Chapter 89

  Chapter 90

  Chapter 91

  Chapter 92

  Chapter 93

  Chapter 94

  Chapter 95

  Chapter 96

  Chapter 97

  Part 5: Inside Out

  Chapter 98

  Chapter 99

  Chapter 100

  Chapter 101

  Chapter 102

  Chapter 103

  Chapter 104

  Chapter 105

  Chapter 106

  Chapter 107

  Chapter 108

  Chapter 109

  Chapter 110

  Chapter 111

  Chapter 112

  Chapter 113

  Chapter 114

  Chapter 115

  Chapter 116

  Chapter 117

  Chapter 118

  Chapter 119

  Chapter 120

  Chapter 121

  Chapter 122

  Chapter 123

  Chapter 124

  Chapter 125

  Chapter 126

  Chapter 127

  Chapter 128

  Part 6: Home

  Chapter 129

  Chapter 130

  Chapter 131

  Chapter 132

  Chapter 133

  Chapter 134

  Chapter 135

  Chapter 136

  Chapter 137

  Chapter 138

  Chapter 139

  Chapter 140

  Epilogue

  Chapter 141

  Chapter 142

  Chapter 143

  Chapter 144

  Chapter 145

  Author’s Note

  ‘My Beautiful Faliure’ Excerpt

  About Janet Ruth Young

  FOR TONY HILLIARD, AND FOR ALL THE DANI SOLOMONS

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Thanks to the people who contributed to this book by answering questions and allowing me to interview or observe them: Shep Abbott, David Allen, Liz Duff, and Alexander Thompson; Tony Hilliard, formerly of the Rockport Police Department, and his son, Nick Hilliard; Ray Lamont of the Gloucester Times; and Amanda Roeder and the Marblehead High School Jewel Tones. Appreciation to my writing group—Cassandra Oxley and Jan Voogd—and my sister Diane Young, for being supportive critical readers. Much gratitude to Kimberly A. Glazier of the Ferkauf Graduate School of Psychology, Yeshiva University, for lending her expertise and for reviewing several drafts. And warmest thanks to my editor, Gretchen Hirsch, who loved, understood, and helped to develop this story.

  part 1

  THE LINE

  1

  MyFace Profile

  Name: Dani

  Sex: Female

  Age: 17 years old

  Location: Hawthorne, Massachusetts, United States

  Last log-in: April 23

  Mood: romantic

  My hobbies: tennis, running, singing

  Interested in: friendship male and female, dating male, relationship male

  My favorite quote:

  “Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”—Charles Reade

  About me:

  Hello, world!!! I’m a jr. at Hawthorne High and sing alto in our a cappella group the Hawtones . . . love the teamwork . . . play varsity tennis . . . brings out my competitive side . . . best friend is Shelley . . . u can see lots of pictures of us here . . . lots of good times . . . I’m a loyal friend, always try to live up to what is expected of me . . . hate letting people down, would rather be disappointed in them than have them disappointed in me . . . I’ve had this happen to me at least once since my dad moved away when I was little . . . I won’t bore you with that story since you probably know how that goes . . . I like a guy at school, but he has no idea . . . so if you are cute and reasonably tall and above all, NICE, please hit me up.

  TMI, Dani thinks. That’s way too much information. Just leave in the happy parts.

  Hello, world!!! I’m a jr. at Hawthorne High and sing alto in our a cappella group the Hawtones . . . love the teamwork . . . play varsity tennis . . . brings out my competitive side . . . best friend is Shelley . . . u can see lots of pictures of us here . . . lots of good times . . . I’m a loyal friend, always try to live up to what is expected of me . . . if you are cute and reasonably tall and above all, NICE, please hit me up.

  Dani presses Publish.

  2

  Dani Solomon babysits for a boy named Alex Draper three times a week. Dani doesn’t like having so many nights tied up. She doesn’t need the money, either. Her mother is a successful real estate broker and gives Dani a big allowance. But Dani keeps babysitting because Alex and his mom—whos
e name is Cynthia Draper but whom Alex calls “Mrs. Alex,” so Dani calls her that too—rely on her. Dani’s sure she’s the most responsible, educational, and fun babysitter Mrs. Alex could find. Plus, she likes Alex because he makes her laugh.

  On April 23, Alex and Dani play Lion King, a game Alex made up after watching the movie.

  “You’re not a mountain anymore,” Alex says. “You’re fire.”

  “I thought we were both mountains,” says Dani. It’s hard to keep track of all the characters, scenes, and events that weren’t in the movie.

  “I’m still a mountain. But you’re fire. So flame up.”

  Dani hisses and waves her fingers. “Am I flaming up?”

  Alex stands his plastic animals at their paper-cup caves. They rear up and sniff the flames.

  “So what does a mountain do?”

  “Watch.” Alex squats and grunts like he’s trying to poop. “See? Now I’m a mountain. Do that when you turn back.”

  “A grisly discovery in Dorchester this afternoon,” says the living room TV. “A nine-year-old girl allegedly stabbed to death by her stepfather. Details at six.” Dani grabs the remote to shut off the set. She sees a three-decker apartment building cordoned by yellow tape. A small lump covered by a blanket lies in the middle of a big stretcher. Two sobbing neighbors watch a man leave in handcuffs.

  Monster, she thinks. Or is he just crazy? What kind of person would do that? And how could he do that to a little kid? The girl probably trusted her stepfather the way Alex trusts Dani. Dani imagines something like that happening to Alex. Alex as a lump on a stretcher. Alex having been killed by someone he trusted. Someone close to him, who is supposed to be responsible for him. A caregiver, just like Dani. The idea is too horrible.

  Alex’s animals form a circle on the coffee table, waiting for the lion to tell them what to do. Dani pauses while the scene in her mind completes itself in greater detail. She imagines being a murderer like the man in Dorchester. She pictures herself walking in handcuffs to a police cruiser in front of Alex’s house. Mrs. Alex watches with an accusing, tear-stained face. Or worse, an ambulance pulls up to the emergency room where Mrs. Alex works, and Mrs. Alex realizes that the lump on the stretcher is her own child. Ugh. Oh my God, it’s too awful, Dani thinks. She shivers and puts her hands over her face. Stop thinking about this, Dani tells herself. Now.

  That’s my TMI, Dani thinks. Too much imagination. She finds it easy to imagine herself into all kinds of situations. Her imagination helps with writing assignments and with making up games for Alex, but it also gives her trouble. During rehearsal for her a cappella group she often pictures herself on vacation in Aruba with Gordon Abt, and she can almost feel her beach dress clinging to her legs as she and Gordy run hand in hand through the waves. Sometimes she worries that the other Hawtones can read her expression: unfocused eyes, parted lips, a small gasp escaping from her mouth because she forgot where she was and thought that the vacation was really happening . . .

  Now her TMI is making her imagine being like someone she would never empathize with in a million years. Dani is not a violent person. She detests people who are hurtful or violent. She tries very hard not to hurt others, not even their feelings. No way in the world would she ever even strike a child. Dani decides to boycott all violent movies and TV shows. Maybe the stuff she sees—even glimpses accidentally—is putting pictures in her head. Maybe what her health teacher said was true: Violent stuff changes the way your mind works.

  “Now be a mountain so the lion can stand on you and look far,” says Alex.

  “Is this far enough?” Dani asks Alex. She squats, grunts like she’s going to poop, then lifts Alex and his lion up to the ceiling. Alex loves that, and Mrs. Alex is too short to do it. Now Dani thinks only about Alex. She forgets about the Dorchester girl and her stepfather.

  3

  Gordon Abt is massaging Dani’s shoulders. This is real life, not Dani’s imagination. Before every rehearsal, the Hawtones massage the singer on their left and then the singer on their right. Dani stands beside Gordy because she’s an alto and he’s a tenor.

  He touches her lightly, but Dani feels her nerves tingle all the way to the floor.

  “Ahh,” she says. She says it ironically, so that if he doesn’t share her feelings she can pretend to be joking. But Shelley hears her. Shelley knows that Dani’s being ironic about being ironic; that she really does mean Ahh.

  Dani’s tall, but Gordy is taller. Although only his hands touch Dani, she senses his whole body. It shimmers in parallel to hers like a six-foot sheet of glass filled with afternoon sun.

  Now it’s her turn to massage him. His shoulders are slender but have some muscle. As Dani massages, her heart pounds a word—look, look—and she feels like their pairing stands out from all the others.

  When she lets go of his shimmer, he thanks her the way he would thank anybody for anything. The Hawtones begin their vocal exercises, starting at a low pitch and rising by half-steps. Nathan Brandifield, a baritone, smiles at Dani every time she sings a note. He’s geeky and she doesn’t know him well, but he’s always oddly proud of her.

  “New music for June fourth,” their music director, Mr. Gabler, says. “Well, not new to the seniors, but the rest of you need to learn it. This time anyone—male or female—can audition to sing lead, and we’ll all decide who sounds best.”

  What is the song, and who will be the soloist? Last week Dani suggested “Fix You” by Coldplay because she thought it would be perfect for Gordon’s voice. She even bought the sheet music for Mr. Gabler, hoping to tip the scales. Gordy suggested “Back on the Chain Gang” by the Pretenders, which, coincidentally, Dani loves and sings well. Shelley asked Meghan Dimmock, a soprano, what she wanted to sing, as if the new song was already Meghan’s. Shelley is a good singer too. Why didn’t Shelley suggest something that showcases her own talents?

  “Retread,” a senior mutters as she hands around the music. The new/old song is Mr. Gabler’s arrangement of “Old Cape Cod,” originally recorded by Patti Page. The Hawtones would prefer a mix of new and classic music, but Mr. Gabler has a weakness for all songs pertaining to Massachusetts. He plays last year’s concert recording on his computer.

  Nathan is a sophomore prodigy. He memorizes most songs by the second rehearsal, and he can imitate the sounds of twenty-five instruments. He listens by tilting his head, as if his ear were a bowl the music was being poured into.

  When the song ends, Meghan adjusts her top to show more midriff. Meghan’s a junior, and everyone says she’ll get a music scholarship. Dani doesn’t care for her singing, but Meghan has a knack for attracting attention and striking photogenic poses that might sell tickets. Gabler favors her too. He usually doesn’t stop the song when she goes off key.

  “Places,” Gabler says. “Let’s run it through once.”

  The group makes a tight semicircle that lets the singers see every performer and hear every voice. The vibrations from their throats meet in the center, making a thick column of sound. Dani loves feeling her voice knock on the door of other voices and find them completely solid.

  “You’re the best suited to ‘Cape Cod,’ ” Nathan tells Dani during a break. “You sound the most like Patti Page.”

  At home by herself, Dani is a great singer, but she’s afraid to sing lead with the Hawtones. If they do a love song and she looks at Gordy, she might choke. And in a cappella music no instruments cover your errors, so every flaw is magnified. The Hawtones’ semicircle is one being, one organism, a giant C of closeness. In performance the singers cue one another with a tiny look, a foot shift, the lift of a shoulder. My turn. Your turn. Sing louder. I need to clear my throat; can you fill in? Except for Meghan’s pitch problems, the Hawtones never miss a note or a lyric. If Dani sang lead and faltered, she’d hurt the whole group.

  Dani still squirms over a mistake she made last fall. Shelley was out with a cold, and Mr. Gabler gave Dani two copies of a new song they had to learn quickly. Dani meant to deliver
one copy to Shelley’s house, but she was thinking about Gordy all the way home, and even when she played tennis with Shelley that weekend she didn’t think to mention the song.

  The following Monday Gabler said, “Get out ‘Charlie on the MTA’ ” and Shelley said, “We have a new song?” Mr. Gabler said, “Didn’t you give Shelley her music?” And they both looked at Dani like she had seventeen-year-old Alzheimer’s and Dani wished she could drop through the floor into the boiler room where no one went except the janitor, and way down to the core of the earth, banging on every surface and object along the way. Mr. Gabler called Dani’s mistake “a failure to execute.”

  Dani wasn’t stupid, and she couldn’t blame it on Alzheimer’s. She inventoried her motives. Do I hate Shelley? Do I see Shelley as a rival? Did I set her up? Do I want Shelley to fail? She later apologized to Shelley for “the Charlie incident” until Shelley asked her to shut up. Now Dani wonders again, Am I a crappy friend?

  Dani needs to forget the incident, so she focuses on Mr. Gabler. His thinning hair; his L.L. Bean polo shirt in an unflattering shade of electric blue; his tan pants that have been through the dryer so many times that when he turns his back he has a case of VPL (visible panty line), which is especially unfortunate in a man. Apparently Gabler wears briefs, not boxers. This is TMVI. Too much visual information.

  Mr. Gabler signals the altos to sing louder. “Give me more,” he says. He winks at Dani. He must have forgiven her for the sheet music. Why am I still thinking about the Charlie incident? she wonders. Everyone else has moved on.

  Dani begins to relax, but then, without wanting to, she pictures herself reaching out and cupping Mr. Gabler’s testicles. Oh my God, she thinks. That’s so disgusting. If she were alone, Dani would shudder and put her hands over her face. Although she’s been staring at Mr. Gabler’s thin pants and VPL, the idea of grabbing his genitals has come out of nowhere. No, no, no, Dani thinks. Make this thought go away!

  But instead, more details flood into her mind. How his briefs are probably worn thin too. That’s two icky layers of thin material. How his scrotum would feel making contact with her hand. Revolting. And the worst thing: Mr. Gabler’s reaction. How shocked he would be. How shocked that she would do something like that, when he thought she was a worthwhile and valuable member of the group. Her image of his expression is so detailed that it seems real. Dani has to look at her hands to make sure they’re not touching Mr. Gabler.