Things I Shouldn't Think
* * *
Thank you for downloading this eBook.
Sign up for the S&S Teen Newsletter —
get the latest info on our hot new books, access to bonus content, and more!
CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP
or visit us online to sign up at
eBookNews.SimonandSchuster.com/teen
* * *
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments
Part 1: The Line
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Part 2: Lines and Circles
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Part 3: The Other Side
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Chapter 48
Chapter 49
Chapter 50
Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Chapter 53
Chapter 54
Chapter 55
Chapter 56
Chapter 57
Chapter 58
Part 4: The Woods
Chapter 59
Chapter 60
Chapter 61
Chapter 62
Chapter 63
Chapter 64
Chapter 65
Chapter 66
Chapter 67
Chapter 68
Chapter 69
Chapter 70
Chapter 71
Chapter 72
Chapter 73
Chapter 74
Chapter 75
Chapter 76
Chapter 77
Chapter 78
Chapter 79
Chapter 80
Chapter 81
Chapter 82
Chapter 83
Chapter 84
Chapter 85
Chapter 86
Chapter 87
Chapter 88
Chapter 89
Chapter 90
Chapter 91
Chapter 92
Chapter 93
Chapter 94
Chapter 95
Chapter 96
Chapter 97
Part 5: Inside Out
Chapter 98
Chapter 99
Chapter 100
Chapter 101
Chapter 102
Chapter 103
Chapter 104
Chapter 105
Chapter 106
Chapter 107
Chapter 108
Chapter 109
Chapter 110
Chapter 111
Chapter 112
Chapter 113
Chapter 114
Chapter 115
Chapter 116
Chapter 117
Chapter 118
Chapter 119
Chapter 120
Chapter 121
Chapter 122
Chapter 123
Chapter 124
Chapter 125
Chapter 126
Chapter 127
Chapter 128
Part 6: Home
Chapter 129
Chapter 130
Chapter 131
Chapter 132
Chapter 133
Chapter 134
Chapter 135
Chapter 136
Chapter 137
Chapter 138
Chapter 139
Chapter 140
Epilogue
Chapter 141
Chapter 142
Chapter 143
Chapter 144
Chapter 145
Author’s Note
‘My Beautiful Faliure’ Excerpt
About Janet Ruth Young
FOR TONY HILLIARD, AND FOR ALL THE DANI SOLOMONS
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Thanks to the people who contributed to this book by answering questions and allowing me to interview or observe them: Shep Abbott, David Allen, Liz Duff, and Alexander Thompson; Tony Hilliard, formerly of the Rockport Police Department, and his son, Nick Hilliard; Ray Lamont of the Gloucester Times; and Amanda Roeder and the Marblehead High School Jewel Tones. Appreciation to my writing group—Cassandra Oxley and Jan Voogd—and my sister Diane Young, for being supportive critical readers. Much gratitude to Kimberly A. Glazier of the Ferkauf Graduate School of Psychology, Yeshiva University, for lending her expertise and for reviewing several drafts. And warmest thanks to my editor, Gretchen Hirsch, who loved, understood, and helped to develop this story.
part 1
THE LINE
1
MyFace Profile
Name: Dani
Sex: Female
Age: 17 years old
Location: Hawthorne, Massachusetts, United States
Last log-in: April 23
Mood: romantic
My hobbies: tennis, running, singing
Interested in: friendship male and female, dating male, relationship male
My favorite quote:
“Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”—Charles Reade
About me:
Hello, world!!! I’m a jr. at Hawthorne High and sing alto in our a cappella group the Hawtones . . . love the teamwork . . . play varsity tennis . . . brings out my competitive side . . . best friend is Shelley . . . u can see lots of pictures of us here . . . lots of good times . . . I’m a loyal friend, always try to live up to what is expected of me . . . hate letting people down, would rather be disappointed in them than have them disappointed in me . . . I’ve had this happen to me at least once since my dad moved away when I was little . . . I won’t bore you with that story since you probably know how that goes . . . I like a guy at school, but he has no idea . . . so if you are cute and reasonably tall and above all, NICE, please hit me up.
TMI, Dani thinks. That’s way too much information. Just leave in the happy parts.
Hello, world!!! I’m a jr. at Hawthorne High and sing alto in our a cappella group the Hawtones . . . love the teamwork . . . play varsity tennis . . . brings out my competitive side . . . best friend is Shelley . . . u can see lots of pictures of us here . . . lots of good times . . . I’m a loyal friend, always try to live up to what is expected of me . . . if you are cute and reasonably tall and above all, NICE, please hit me up.
Dani presses Publish.
2
Dani Solomon babysits for a boy named Alex Draper three times a week. Dani doesn’t like having so many nights tied up. She doesn’t need the money, either. Her mother is a successful real estate broker and gives Dani a big allowance. But Dani keeps babysitting because Alex and his mom—whos
e name is Cynthia Draper but whom Alex calls “Mrs. Alex,” so Dani calls her that too—rely on her. Dani’s sure she’s the most responsible, educational, and fun babysitter Mrs. Alex could find. Plus, she likes Alex because he makes her laugh.
On April 23, Alex and Dani play Lion King, a game Alex made up after watching the movie.
“You’re not a mountain anymore,” Alex says. “You’re fire.”
“I thought we were both mountains,” says Dani. It’s hard to keep track of all the characters, scenes, and events that weren’t in the movie.
“I’m still a mountain. But you’re fire. So flame up.”
Dani hisses and waves her fingers. “Am I flaming up?”
Alex stands his plastic animals at their paper-cup caves. They rear up and sniff the flames.
“So what does a mountain do?”
“Watch.” Alex squats and grunts like he’s trying to poop. “See? Now I’m a mountain. Do that when you turn back.”
“A grisly discovery in Dorchester this afternoon,” says the living room TV. “A nine-year-old girl allegedly stabbed to death by her stepfather. Details at six.” Dani grabs the remote to shut off the set. She sees a three-decker apartment building cordoned by yellow tape. A small lump covered by a blanket lies in the middle of a big stretcher. Two sobbing neighbors watch a man leave in handcuffs.
Monster, she thinks. Or is he just crazy? What kind of person would do that? And how could he do that to a little kid? The girl probably trusted her stepfather the way Alex trusts Dani. Dani imagines something like that happening to Alex. Alex as a lump on a stretcher. Alex having been killed by someone he trusted. Someone close to him, who is supposed to be responsible for him. A caregiver, just like Dani. The idea is too horrible.
Alex’s animals form a circle on the coffee table, waiting for the lion to tell them what to do. Dani pauses while the scene in her mind completes itself in greater detail. She imagines being a murderer like the man in Dorchester. She pictures herself walking in handcuffs to a police cruiser in front of Alex’s house. Mrs. Alex watches with an accusing, tear-stained face. Or worse, an ambulance pulls up to the emergency room where Mrs. Alex works, and Mrs. Alex realizes that the lump on the stretcher is her own child. Ugh. Oh my God, it’s too awful, Dani thinks. She shivers and puts her hands over her face. Stop thinking about this, Dani tells herself. Now.
That’s my TMI, Dani thinks. Too much imagination. She finds it easy to imagine herself into all kinds of situations. Her imagination helps with writing assignments and with making up games for Alex, but it also gives her trouble. During rehearsal for her a cappella group she often pictures herself on vacation in Aruba with Gordon Abt, and she can almost feel her beach dress clinging to her legs as she and Gordy run hand in hand through the waves. Sometimes she worries that the other Hawtones can read her expression: unfocused eyes, parted lips, a small gasp escaping from her mouth because she forgot where she was and thought that the vacation was really happening . . .
Now her TMI is making her imagine being like someone she would never empathize with in a million years. Dani is not a violent person. She detests people who are hurtful or violent. She tries very hard not to hurt others, not even their feelings. No way in the world would she ever even strike a child. Dani decides to boycott all violent movies and TV shows. Maybe the stuff she sees—even glimpses accidentally—is putting pictures in her head. Maybe what her health teacher said was true: Violent stuff changes the way your mind works.
“Now be a mountain so the lion can stand on you and look far,” says Alex.
“Is this far enough?” Dani asks Alex. She squats, grunts like she’s going to poop, then lifts Alex and his lion up to the ceiling. Alex loves that, and Mrs. Alex is too short to do it. Now Dani thinks only about Alex. She forgets about the Dorchester girl and her stepfather.
3
Gordon Abt is massaging Dani’s shoulders. This is real life, not Dani’s imagination. Before every rehearsal, the Hawtones massage the singer on their left and then the singer on their right. Dani stands beside Gordy because she’s an alto and he’s a tenor.
He touches her lightly, but Dani feels her nerves tingle all the way to the floor.
“Ahh,” she says. She says it ironically, so that if he doesn’t share her feelings she can pretend to be joking. But Shelley hears her. Shelley knows that Dani’s being ironic about being ironic; that she really does mean Ahh.
Dani’s tall, but Gordy is taller. Although only his hands touch Dani, she senses his whole body. It shimmers in parallel to hers like a six-foot sheet of glass filled with afternoon sun.
Now it’s her turn to massage him. His shoulders are slender but have some muscle. As Dani massages, her heart pounds a word—look, look—and she feels like their pairing stands out from all the others.
When she lets go of his shimmer, he thanks her the way he would thank anybody for anything. The Hawtones begin their vocal exercises, starting at a low pitch and rising by half-steps. Nathan Brandifield, a baritone, smiles at Dani every time she sings a note. He’s geeky and she doesn’t know him well, but he’s always oddly proud of her.
“New music for June fourth,” their music director, Mr. Gabler, says. “Well, not new to the seniors, but the rest of you need to learn it. This time anyone—male or female—can audition to sing lead, and we’ll all decide who sounds best.”
What is the song, and who will be the soloist? Last week Dani suggested “Fix You” by Coldplay because she thought it would be perfect for Gordon’s voice. She even bought the sheet music for Mr. Gabler, hoping to tip the scales. Gordy suggested “Back on the Chain Gang” by the Pretenders, which, coincidentally, Dani loves and sings well. Shelley asked Meghan Dimmock, a soprano, what she wanted to sing, as if the new song was already Meghan’s. Shelley is a good singer too. Why didn’t Shelley suggest something that showcases her own talents?
“Retread,” a senior mutters as she hands around the music. The new/old song is Mr. Gabler’s arrangement of “Old Cape Cod,” originally recorded by Patti Page. The Hawtones would prefer a mix of new and classic music, but Mr. Gabler has a weakness for all songs pertaining to Massachusetts. He plays last year’s concert recording on his computer.
Nathan is a sophomore prodigy. He memorizes most songs by the second rehearsal, and he can imitate the sounds of twenty-five instruments. He listens by tilting his head, as if his ear were a bowl the music was being poured into.
When the song ends, Meghan adjusts her top to show more midriff. Meghan’s a junior, and everyone says she’ll get a music scholarship. Dani doesn’t care for her singing, but Meghan has a knack for attracting attention and striking photogenic poses that might sell tickets. Gabler favors her too. He usually doesn’t stop the song when she goes off key.
“Places,” Gabler says. “Let’s run it through once.”
The group makes a tight semicircle that lets the singers see every performer and hear every voice. The vibrations from their throats meet in the center, making a thick column of sound. Dani loves feeling her voice knock on the door of other voices and find them completely solid.
“You’re the best suited to ‘Cape Cod,’ ” Nathan tells Dani during a break. “You sound the most like Patti Page.”
At home by herself, Dani is a great singer, but she’s afraid to sing lead with the Hawtones. If they do a love song and she looks at Gordy, she might choke. And in a cappella music no instruments cover your errors, so every flaw is magnified. The Hawtones’ semicircle is one being, one organism, a giant C of closeness. In performance the singers cue one another with a tiny look, a foot shift, the lift of a shoulder. My turn. Your turn. Sing louder. I need to clear my throat; can you fill in? Except for Meghan’s pitch problems, the Hawtones never miss a note or a lyric. If Dani sang lead and faltered, she’d hurt the whole group.
Dani still squirms over a mistake she made last fall. Shelley was out with a cold, and Mr. Gabler gave Dani two copies of a new song they had to learn quickly. Dani meant to deliver
one copy to Shelley’s house, but she was thinking about Gordy all the way home, and even when she played tennis with Shelley that weekend she didn’t think to mention the song.
The following Monday Gabler said, “Get out ‘Charlie on the MTA’ ” and Shelley said, “We have a new song?” Mr. Gabler said, “Didn’t you give Shelley her music?” And they both looked at Dani like she had seventeen-year-old Alzheimer’s and Dani wished she could drop through the floor into the boiler room where no one went except the janitor, and way down to the core of the earth, banging on every surface and object along the way. Mr. Gabler called Dani’s mistake “a failure to execute.”
Dani wasn’t stupid, and she couldn’t blame it on Alzheimer’s. She inventoried her motives. Do I hate Shelley? Do I see Shelley as a rival? Did I set her up? Do I want Shelley to fail? She later apologized to Shelley for “the Charlie incident” until Shelley asked her to shut up. Now Dani wonders again, Am I a crappy friend?
Dani needs to forget the incident, so she focuses on Mr. Gabler. His thinning hair; his L.L. Bean polo shirt in an unflattering shade of electric blue; his tan pants that have been through the dryer so many times that when he turns his back he has a case of VPL (visible panty line), which is especially unfortunate in a man. Apparently Gabler wears briefs, not boxers. This is TMVI. Too much visual information.
Mr. Gabler signals the altos to sing louder. “Give me more,” he says. He winks at Dani. He must have forgiven her for the sheet music. Why am I still thinking about the Charlie incident? she wonders. Everyone else has moved on.
Dani begins to relax, but then, without wanting to, she pictures herself reaching out and cupping Mr. Gabler’s testicles. Oh my God, she thinks. That’s so disgusting. If she were alone, Dani would shudder and put her hands over her face. Although she’s been staring at Mr. Gabler’s thin pants and VPL, the idea of grabbing his genitals has come out of nowhere. No, no, no, Dani thinks. Make this thought go away!
But instead, more details flood into her mind. How his briefs are probably worn thin too. That’s two icky layers of thin material. How his scrotum would feel making contact with her hand. Revolting. And the worst thing: Mr. Gabler’s reaction. How shocked he would be. How shocked that she would do something like that, when he thought she was a worthwhile and valuable member of the group. Her image of his expression is so detailed that it seems real. Dani has to look at her hands to make sure they’re not touching Mr. Gabler.